I need to cry for a while

I just hurt. depression sucks. I have been fighting with it for so long and I have too many friends for whom the devil has stuck his toe in though that door. I have heard people say how they would just like to stay in bed. I wonder how many of them have actually hurt when they do get out of bed. how many could just stay in bed and let tim(months and even years) pass by. I know this fight. I have day where getting out of the bed is my biggest accomplishment, I don't do much else on days like that. Others I manage to shower. The goods days are coming closer and closer I think but I am still always tired.

I am beginning to realize that this is how he hurts families. Whole families. Think about it. the mom on my big fat greek wedding was so right. Men are the head of the house but the woman(mother) is the neck that turns the head. How better to break down Gods most important unit. When you get a kink in your neck doesn't it hurt to Turn, bend, and do just about anything? So when we feel like crap as mothers it makes sense that the rest of the house does too.

I read my PB the other day ( found it after a VERY long time) and noticed that I am to be my husbands biggest support. Both in his career and with his priesthood calling and duties as a father. I have noticed that when I trying to that support ( like kiss him before work and let him know he is loved, even asking for blessing) he is better and more willing to do those things. The trouble comes when I can't see through the muck to make anyone feel better because I don't feel good either.

I am fighting and will continue to fight( sometimes the end of the day feels like I have been beat up) and just keep movin' (for those country people I think you can guess the song in my head). I pray for those that fight the fight with me, and I cry when the day just needs it.

when God listens

Well ya know they tell ya not to pray for things you are not ready for. well I guess I was ready for what I prayed for cause I got it.

In the course of my morning prayers yesterday I asked of opportunities to serve. my dh calls me and asks me if I had found a turkey yet and I told him no. So he sends me to KS and I am to buy a Turkey. As I pull in to the parking stall, in my old and busted GMC, a brand new highlander is having trouble starting. I watch the old guy for a while then I roll down the window (which won't roll back up when I am done) and ask him if he needs to be jumped. He says he isn't sure he has never had this ahappen before (hello NEW) . I tell him I keep cables with me and I pop my hood and grab the cables. I swear as soon and that new car knew we were going to make it go it started right up.

Later that night there is a knock at the door, and it is our part memeber family. He isn't she is and yes there are kids. they had a bunch of clothes that didn't fit anymore and were sharing with us. As we are talking i asked when the dd turned 12 . Next month so I told her that when she turned 12 I would be more than happy to giver her a ride to yw, the mother loved the idea. while she was there she mentioned that they really should get back to church and well there i was again, telling them if they needed a ride it would be cramped but we would manage. I have to tel ya at the end of the night i just felt so good being in the right place at the right time. And the blessing are all ready flowing in.

Tears for a friend

I am now just as sad as the day my mother died. I cry not for me this time but for a dear friend whose father has been fighting for his life for the past 6 years. you see that is when they gave his father 6 months to live due to a stroke and some cancers. He fought for another 5 and half years to be with his family. It still doesn't help though, the hurt is still there when they are gone. I know that he will see him again, and he knows it but dang it it isn't knowing that you will see them again that hurts. It is next week when he goes to pick up the phone to call him and he won't be there. It is when he is extremely proud of one of his children's accomplishments and can't wait to tell his dad. It isn't those that have gone on to the perfection of the afterlife that hurt, it is those ,that for the time being, they have left behind.

I am extremely grateful to know of the afterlife and that all the pain of missing them will melt when I see my mother, Aunt, and other great and wonderful relatives. I am grateful to know that the atonement has taken away and and all of their pain. I KNOW that they are doing the work that they are meant to do. Once in a while though on days like today I hurt just a little.

my rant against the school system

I thought for sure that my kids would have today off as it is veterans day. Their father is a Veteran and I know he fought hard to keep our freedom. Sure he didn't fight in a major battle but dang it so many of them have died fighting for us. I love that my husband did his part for the freedom or our country and I am proud of all of those who are now fighting for the safety of our country. I believe that MLK did some great things but not at the expense of our countries freedom like so many others have. He did some really great things, things that forever changed our society, but he was one man and they traded that off for all our heroes.

Any my kids don't officially have today off but me being the person I am they do now. I called the school and told them that they weren't coming in. For me it is a matter of now forgetting what we have and why we have it. I am a PROUD American. Yes I am made of of Irish, English, Scottish, even some French and Cherokee, but I live in America I speak English. I obey the laws of this land and I don't think I could be anywhere else.

So my kids are off today and if I had it my way they would go to school on MLK day and that would be fine with me. enough of my soap box my kids and I are going to go and find a veteran's day activity.

my topsy turvey weekend

First things first I am bummed. I was a psyched up to test I was ready to get my senior green and get out of the fresh meat category. I have a sore stomach for 2 days and then the morning of the testing I woke up with the nastiest of burp. I mean that is what woke me up. I looked at Dh and told him I wouldn't be moving for a while. He went down and made breakfast and got the kids ready for testing and that my friends is when it all started I was sick really sick both ends and I hate the upper end stuff but I wasn't to thrilled about the lower end this time either. I could not even pass a little gas because I would have to RUN for it. needless to say I am still fresh meat and will have to late test this Saturday. Jane will have a retest as well since she was so slow at sparring and didn't pass that portion of her testing. My friends son didn't break his board and so he will be testing as well, at least I will not be alone. my stomach we athat bad the whole day and into this morning but at least today I can hold things down. I weighed my self this morning though and only weighed 192 so there is the upside to not having ANYTHING in your body for a full day. Today we got up and I think my baby may have it. I just had to clean her up after she got daddy with what can only be called explosive. My stomach still isn't happy but at least I can eat today and hold it in.

We didn't go to church today (two fold of course) We had stake conference and we have yet to go get to one of those while living here. We went all the time when we were in CA and here just not happening. I don't know if it is that we have to go at 9 in the morning because the Stake Center is so small, or if is is because every freaking time we think we are going, somebody gets sick. At any rate we didn't go again.

SO instead of going I clean and reorganized my room much to the chagrin of my hubbie. I emptied out 6 of his boxes and consolidated them into 2 so that I got rid of 4 boxes of just crap that we didn't need. now I have the room set up to where I think it makes much more sense. Now all I need is to pick some color to go on the walls.

I got one room decorated though. It was done around the last thing my mom gave me. I think it turned out well, ok so it is only the quest bathroom but still that is one more room than i had last week.

Noq I am babysitting my friends kids so that they can go see some comedian tonight. I was going to just take the baby and go to their house but well now they are here at my house because their TV blew up. so I have them here. NO big deal they don't have school tomorrow and even though my kids do they are not going. their father is a Vet and I am of the beleif that our veterans dieing daily are far more important than one person. So my kids are honoring their father tomorrow.

ok if you got that far good for you.