exercise thought and goals

First I must thank Anne for my first goal. When she put on her wedding dress I KNEW that is what I wanted. I want to be able to put my dress on and have it fit wonderfully. yes WHEN I get there you will be the first to see. 2 goal is a size 14 when i get there and still loose weight I will be over joyed, I really don't expect my body to do the twiggy thing. For me that really isn't realistic but I can expect to be a healthy toned person. Also I want to do a 5K at the end of August. I don't know why but to me that would mean I was a much healthier person. I am going to look for one sometime the end of August. If any of you know where I can look PLEASE do tell. I think if I get it marked and then have to do it then I will. I am hoping the at least one of my trainer would be willing to do this with me but we shall see.

I am finding that I really enjoy going to this class and look forward to that time in my day. Now I just need to make that the same for my morning cardio as well I do like the free step on the Wii but there are too many kids to do that and not feel weird. I could go back to the Gym and just get on the treadmill but that to me is REALLY boring. So I HAVE to figure out how do get my butt out of bed and then out the door before the crack o dawn on my own because I asked for a partner and didn't get one. so there you have it. I could go with the gal that signed us up for this torture bt she is at work at 3 in the morning and I can't make myself get up then. So out I go see you later for a journaling update.

One week down

11 to go. My my body is completely torn. I can tell it loves the exercise all ready. Although I wish I could do it with out being so sore right now. the trainer says that will go away more than likely by the end of 4 weeks and I will begin to wish it back,I have a hard time believing that. I have a cold and it has affected that soreness a little as well. I do love going though. Today on the way home I was thinking what is going to happen at the end of the 12 weeks when I CRAVE being there and no longer have the money to go. Not to mention the distance. My body is all ready transforming I have lost 2 pounds and more than likely more than that because of the muscles that are building ( muscle does weight more than fat). I find my self wanting my stomach in and keeping it in longer and longer.

I put my wedding dress up on my wall next to my bed and that is my goal and yes I will take a pick when I reach it.

If you would like to see the torture chamber they use to hurt us here it is.

http://www.spectrumwellness.org/photo_gallery.htm

if it doesn't link ( I am sure it won't because I ain't smarticle like that) copy and paste it and if you don't have the pics of the gym go to photo gallery and then gym.

soon I believe they are going to put up pics of the 4 of us as well and i will let you know when that is.

well off for a shower because I sweat like a pic and I have all ready eaten.

A Mothers day for My mom.

I am working on a mother's day gift for my mother. I know that I won't be able to do these songs as well as these people do them, and I think I always sound like there are marbles suck up my nose when I hear a recording but anyway. I know she would want me to sing them. she always thought I had a beautiful voice. I miss her so much right now. I couldn't even call my dad to tell him thank you for the wonderful flowers he sent that really made my day,


Anyway here are the songs I am working on singing. This first on is a song that never failed to be sang in the car when we went on vacations. even if it was only up logan canyon and took no more than an hour.



The second is the last thing I got from my mother for Mothers day. she gave me this Cd last year just about NOW when my Ky was blessed and they came for the blessing. I don't know if I will get through this for a while the last verse is a killer for me right now.




I have the first one done but I am not sure how to get it on here.

a temple trip

SO I went to the temple on Friday. I was really hoping to know what I was suppose to do next. Well I do feel now that this child that I lost was my son, I am also more than pretty sure I have more to come. That being said I was unable to know how many (though I hope not too many I don't think my brain can do much more) or when. I also had specific prayers and I know the words didn't come from me. Prayers that friends in pain would be led to the Dr's that would help them. Friends who were having some troubles making decisions, that there would be clarity to make those decisions clear. I am seeing at least some of those prayers happen all ready and I love that when you ask your HF that he takes the action necessary for what is needed. I continue to pray those prayers for those that need them and I will continue to make them specific as to help those that need. I found that in the temple I realized that I need to just worry about what I am doing to better our family and the rest will fall into place.

LOST

As in I have lost a baby. This is all I could think of at church today. about how true, and at the same time ironic that statement is. True because in a very really sense I lost something. I don't have anymore and I didn't purposely send it away. The irony came in the sense that I never REALLY had it. I mean how does one loose something they have never held in their hands or seen with their eyes. I only had him ( and yes i really feel this was my sweet son) in my heart. Funny how fast I could go from not really wanting to be preggers to fully looking forward to the little boy clothes at Christmas time ( buntings are so dang cute) and then having that seemingly ripped away. I can't put up lost posters there is nothing to find. People keep asking me what they can do for me. What can another do for a broken heart. There is a real hole there, thankfully I have my kids. They are a big help, most times without even knowing it. somewhat understand those that have chosen to fall in to depression and just let it consume them. Please don't worry about me. I am Ok as far as that goes, I promise. I have to much to do in this life to let that happen, but I do understand it.
anyway just some more blabber from the lost child.

Going Home

FOrgive me if this is a bit disjointed. I had these thoughts going north today and have to put them down before I forget them.

Like going back home

I am going on a trip that feeling like going home after being gone for a long time. Familiar sites and sounds come back,
As the miles pass behind.
Voices all but forgotten come flooding to my mind,
I find my self thinking fondly of things I left behind.
As I walk through the doors there are some slight differences,
But the feel is still the same.
Warm caring and peaceful, full of joy not pain.
Listening to wiser ones, and feeling their concern.
Hugs and touches of tenderness just when you need it most.
As I walk back through the doors, I vow it won't be long,
Before I return to this place, it feels like going home.


not real good I know but the words were there and I just had to get them out.

stop the ride.

When does it stop. When do I stop feeling my stomach and wanting the bay to still be there? when do the people stop telling me how sorry they are? The physical pain I know will go away but the emotional when does that end. When will I be to look at somebody when they ask me how I am and truthfully be able to tell them I am ok of fine( and I don't mean the Freaked out,insane. neurotic,and Emotional) When will people hear my voice and not ask if everything is OK? I know you all don't have the answers. I know I am just asking to hear myself think. I know this all has to do with me. Isn't it funny though how a grain of rice so tiny can connect and bond and need so much. Now the bond is the one that I need and it is no longer there, and I am left to wonder. Is that spirit so perfect that I will have to fight in this life to even be able to look on her or him. I my mother enjoying the spirit. Will I get to raise it or do I have to wait. Lets not even go into the whole physical pain that I pray will go away soon. the cramping that is bad enough to make me catch my breathe and have to take a pain pill that knocks me out just do deal with it. I wish and feel like I could go to bed for a week and just stay there.


Enough whining for now I am out.

I don't know what is worse

The cramping or the emotional pain. I have prayed and prayed and the only thing that has come to me so far is that I am being prepared. Prepared for what I don't know, just prepared. I mean in the last 6 months I have lost my mother gone through a major Gallbladder scare gotten PG and then lost that baby as well. I have 7 children and 2 dogs what on earth could he be preparing me for. All I know right now is I hurt bad enough that they might as well have placed t he baby in my arms and then tore him away from me telling me I was never going to see him again. and the questions it brings. Like was that my Bry and now he will never be here or was that another and I will have even more in the afterlife to care for and raise? To be honest I pray it is the later. As most of you know I have dreamed of another little boy for a LONG time. I don't know if I could bare not being able to hold him and raise him until I died.

Just when you get used to the idea.

That there is a live soul growing within you. It's gone. I misscarried this morning and all it does is make me miss my mother more. This is all I am saying for now. Maybe when I have some feeling back I will write more.

This may NEVER happen again

I do mean never. right now I am at home 100% alone. Not another child or husband in sight. See I have to take Jackie (the good dog) to her training class in an hour, so Randy took the other kids and went to demo team practice for TeaKwanDo and Christine is babysitting till around nine thirty tonight so that leaves me with just me. yeah me. Now what to do with the half hour I have before I leave. Hmm I could start soem more laundry and clean the floor, or I could read in my book. I think I will go half way and start some more laundry and then read in my book.

Off to have some peace for a while. It may be a LONG tiem before I get anymore.


Oh and Dh broke the vacuum so I don't have to vacuum the floor anyway.