I don't know what is worse

The cramping or the emotional pain. I have prayed and prayed and the only thing that has come to me so far is that I am being prepared. Prepared for what I don't know, just prepared. I mean in the last 6 months I have lost my mother gone through a major Gallbladder scare gotten PG and then lost that baby as well. I have 7 children and 2 dogs what on earth could he be preparing me for. All I know right now is I hurt bad enough that they might as well have placed t he baby in my arms and then tore him away from me telling me I was never going to see him again. and the questions it brings. Like was that my Bry and now he will never be here or was that another and I will have even more in the afterlife to care for and raise? To be honest I pray it is the later. As most of you know I have dreamed of another little boy for a LONG time. I don't know if I could bare not being able to hold him and raise him until I died.