stop the ride.

When does it stop. When do I stop feeling my stomach and wanting the bay to still be there? when do the people stop telling me how sorry they are? The physical pain I know will go away but the emotional when does that end. When will I be to look at somebody when they ask me how I am and truthfully be able to tell them I am ok of fine( and I don't mean the Freaked out,insane. neurotic,and Emotional) When will people hear my voice and not ask if everything is OK? I know you all don't have the answers. I know I am just asking to hear myself think. I know this all has to do with me. Isn't it funny though how a grain of rice so tiny can connect and bond and need so much. Now the bond is the one that I need and it is no longer there, and I am left to wonder. Is that spirit so perfect that I will have to fight in this life to even be able to look on her or him. I my mother enjoying the spirit. Will I get to raise it or do I have to wait. Lets not even go into the whole physical pain that I pray will go away soon. the cramping that is bad enough to make me catch my breathe and have to take a pain pill that knocks me out just do deal with it. I wish and feel like I could go to bed for a week and just stay there.


Enough whining for now I am out.

I don't know what is worse

The cramping or the emotional pain. I have prayed and prayed and the only thing that has come to me so far is that I am being prepared. Prepared for what I don't know, just prepared. I mean in the last 6 months I have lost my mother gone through a major Gallbladder scare gotten PG and then lost that baby as well. I have 7 children and 2 dogs what on earth could he be preparing me for. All I know right now is I hurt bad enough that they might as well have placed t he baby in my arms and then tore him away from me telling me I was never going to see him again. and the questions it brings. Like was that my Bry and now he will never be here or was that another and I will have even more in the afterlife to care for and raise? To be honest I pray it is the later. As most of you know I have dreamed of another little boy for a LONG time. I don't know if I could bare not being able to hold him and raise him until I died.

Just when you get used to the idea.

That there is a live soul growing within you. It's gone. I misscarried this morning and all it does is make me miss my mother more. This is all I am saying for now. Maybe when I have some feeling back I will write more.

This may NEVER happen again

I do mean never. right now I am at home 100% alone. Not another child or husband in sight. See I have to take Jackie (the good dog) to her training class in an hour, so Randy took the other kids and went to demo team practice for TeaKwanDo and Christine is babysitting till around nine thirty tonight so that leaves me with just me. yeah me. Now what to do with the half hour I have before I leave. Hmm I could start soem more laundry and clean the floor, or I could read in my book. I think I will go half way and start some more laundry and then read in my book.

Off to have some peace for a while. It may be a LONG tiem before I get anymore.


Oh and Dh broke the vacuum so I don't have to vacuum the floor anyway.

Name That... Taken from Shayla's blog.

To be fair, you really need to answer the question before you see what your answer means. So don't cheat. Here's mine (then comment and tell me if you post it on your blog too):

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: lady Safari ( sounds more like a yeah you know)
1.(first pet & current car)
2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: Tin Lizzy Jo Jo
2.(fave ice cream flavor, favorite cookie)
3. YOUR “FLY Guy/Girl” NAME: M. Shu (yeah I want to go away too.
3.(first initial of first name, first three letters of your last name)
4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: Green Tiger
4.(favorite color, favorite animal)
5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: Lee Idaho Falls (hmm without the falls it almost sounds good)
5.(middle name, city where you were born)
6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: Shuma (now this one is just plain weird)
6.(the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first)
7. SUPERHERO NAME:THE Coral Sonic Sunrise (Ok I can live with that.)
7.(”The” + 2nd favorite color, favorite drink)
8. NASCAR NAME: Rex Byron (see I like this one)
8.(the first names of your grandfathers)
9. HOOCHIE MAMA NAME: citrus fusion Licorice
9.(the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy)
10.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: May David
10.(mother’s & father’s middle names )
11. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME: Grunig Gettysburg (how how scary is it that i actually remember his name.)
11.(Your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter)
12. SPY NAME: Spring paintbrush
12.(your favorite season/holiday, flower)
13. CARTOON NAME: Watermelon luongie
13.(favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now + “ie” or “y”)
14. HIPPIE NAME: muffin milk spruce
14.(What you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree)
15. YOUR ROCKSTAR TOUR NAME: The TKD Thunder Tour
15.(”The” + Your fave hobby/craft, fave weather element + “Tour”)

ok so I need to find a life, right.

Ok there I said it.

I am insane and well more than a little worried. I mean really what was I thinking, I look at my husband in a seductive way and no matter the BC I am with child. So here I am again, I have gone through all the emotions since Monday when I thought maybe I was Tuesday when I was for sure that I wasn't, Wednesday when I knew for sure I was and didn't want to be Thursday and Friday coming to terms and yesterday and today knowing that it was not what I wanted but what Heavenly Father needed of me. I have no idea how all the things that will have to happen will happen but I know somehow they will. I know that somehow the basement the van my kids the dogs my ever expanding stomach potty training and everything else will somehow work out.

I want to personally thank Jeana and Tam who knew my dilemma and patiently waited for me to be ready to let the cat out of the bag so to speak. I knew I was ready when a wonderful sister sat down next to me for no reason in particular and put her arm around me and let me know that there was light at the end of the tunnel. This was Anne's mom and I figured if anyone could make me feel at ease it would be her.

Oh I am right about one thing. This Will be the last, I feel it in my heart.

Mixed emotions

I am really upset and hurt and yet at the same time I am glad it sold. I spent all day yesterday trying to find a way to pick up some carpet that I had purchased at a moving sale. They wouldn't take a check so I went and got cash from the ATM ( actually loosing the Debit card in the ATM) and came back with the cash. I had them write sold on it and told them as soon as I could find a way to pick it up I would be back for it. Well I had some trouble getting a truck,but and I eventually just ended up using my van with the seats folded this morning. Got there to pick it up and guess what. EVEN though I had someone else write SOLD on both the Carpet and the Pad. they couldn't get a hold of me and sold it again anyway. They SAID they tried calling me but used my old number. Ok I can see that but did they even think too look in the online directory to get a hold of me or leave me a message? NOPE. Who does that. I will tell You who. A woman who's main goal in life is to have things done her way that no matter what they have to be done in that way. So when I didn't come and get it yesterday she decided that I hadn't paid for it and she was going to sell it, because nobody that was there had taken my money. Not even I was sure who I had given the money to I only knew that I got 19 dollars in change because I bought 4 magic tree house books. which cost me one dollar. However I am happy that it sold this will go a long way to helping out this gals ALS.
which is why th mixed emotions. I am frustrated that they didn't really TRY to get a hold of me but at the same time I Know it went somewhere it was needed and will be put to use Either way it helps out the gal it needed to help thanks for letting me vent I just needed to get it off my chest.


On to your regularly scheduled program.

OH HELL

ok sorry for those of you that have sensitive ears and don't like the swearing but OH HELL and the whole just about every little swear word that I can think of right now.

Background over the last couple weeks several things have happened. Lets start with the 2 year old temper tantrum you know The one where you are jumping up and down with your arms flying like you would fly if you could. All over the fact that my son would not figure out the long division I was trying to teach him. Then lets move to the fact that all I want to do is sleep in. I pray for the snow days because I don't have to get out of bed and yet I can't seem to make myself go to bed at night. Add to that the I just don't want to do anything with anything. Including literally taking a week off of Laundry. The mood swings have been off the chart. Add to that the Heart burn that keeps me up when I do decide it is time for bed. Then there is the on again off again stomachache with diarrhea. Now add the PG test that I took JUST TO MAKE SURE, it came out negative. Ok so now your thinking that maybe i have the flu and I need to go the the Dr and have some thyroid tests and talk about depression right. Yup Right there with Ya. SO now skip to today when, as I am nuking the maui onion chips with cheese to eat with Ranch dressing, I had the thought go get that test. Yup 2 pink lines one Strong and one just a really faint pink. What are the odds that it could still be negative? SO I called My very best Friend and asked her what were the chances and she said the same thing I thought. Slim to none, slim to none.

I got "Anned"

a little background. There is Mental disabled woman in our ward. she is very sweet but only have about the brain ability of I would say an 8 maybe nine year. she can still still for a while but always ends up having to do go and do something. she leads the music for RS and her mother is there as well. She gets very excited and it is very hard fro her to talk The thing is that everyone loves Anne there is no getting around it she is just very sweet and she is so close to HF that it is exciting having her around. One more thing if Anne Knows you, you are getting a hug.

I guess I found the key because I have now been "Anned". Anne's hugs are not your typical quick hug. Nope when the spirit moves her to hug she hangs on till SHE feel like you have been hugged enough. Then she will inevitably tell you about something pretty and that she liked something you did. So anyway yesterday I finished my talk and snuck down to sit with the kids, so my dh could do his talk. After the meeting there was Anne One look and I knew what she wanted. It was my turn to be "Anned" I got my hug and then she started to tell me that I had on a pretty.( she liked my necklace) I told her that her pretty was prettier and that send her away laughing. Through out the day she noticed my family time and again for three hours. It was that is your daughter and that is your husband and that is your son. SOO pretty.

I love Anne and I hope every one has an Anne some where in there lives.

My talk

Ok so this may not be the greatest but it is what it is.

Good morning brothers and sisters I will give a BRIEF family introduction, as brief as I can anyway, and then go on to my talk.

Many of you know me and my family due to the fact that I must look some sort of a sheep herder walking through the halls of the church. If you don't My name on the records of the church is Margaret Lee White Shumway. However if you were to call me by that Name, I would spin suddenly, looking for my grandmother. My Aunt renamed me Mar'Lee at a very young age and that is the only name I have ever gone by.

I met My husband, Randy in 1991 through his wonderful younger sister and my best friend, in the LDS institute @ USU, not another byu romance but close. We were married Jan 3 1992, in the Logan temple. We moved in March of that year to Tacoma WA where the first of our now 7 Children were born. Christine came in to our world one day before her due date on Nov. 2 1994. Then came tyler in Blackfoot Idaho, the earliest and scariest for me on Aug 6th 96 he was 5 ½ weeks early. Then Sean on April 26 98, Janet on Jan 2 2000 and Sydnie on April 22 2002 all born in various Ut locations each with their own set of special circumstances. Then to CA where Brianne messed up my math by coming in an odd year on April 2 2005, we then moved 2 “The springs” and were blessed with Kyla on May 1 2007. yup almost 1 year ago. Somehow I have managed to have a child just about every other move we have made, you do the math, the good news I don't think we are moving again anytime soon. Now Let me answer the question that some of you are asking. We are not military, nor do I think are we nomads.

As you know our FAMILY has been asked to speak on how following the scriptures blesses our everyday lives.

To see these blessings, I thought that first it would be nice to have a definition of what the scriptures are. Using the wonderful recourses available to me through the church websites. I found this on the LDS facts page for BYU studies.

How do Latter-day Saints define the idea of "scripture"?

I will paraphrase.

Latter-day Saint scripture is substantially larger than the traditional. It includes the "standard works."which are The old testament New testament book of morman, doctrine and covenants and the Pearl of great price. Although "scripture" usually denotes written documents, in LDS sources it is also defined as "whatsoever [God's representatives] shall speak when moved upon by the Holy Ghost" (D&C 68:2–4), which implies an acceptance of modern-day prophetic revelation as scripture. Latter-day Saints bind themselves by covenant to obey scripture, but they are also assured that important records will yet come to light. Importantly, Latter-day Saints understand that scriptures are a result of divine revelation to prophets and that individuals must study the scriptures and seek personal revelation in order to understand their immediate meaning and relevance.

So to My understanding. This means that Not only are the standard works something that blesses us but also each talk we hear in conference or each story we read in the ensign, a primary song or hymn, can bless our lives as well.

I have to admit when Brother Muffler gave us this subject, the first thing that went through my mind was “ I am the last person on the planet who should give this talk, I am NOT by any means great at scripture study, and I struggle just to read one story in the Ensign most days. But the next thought that came into my head was “be thou humble”. Hey wasn't that a scripture?. I couldn't at the time tell you what scripture, or where to find it, but I knew it was scripture and that I needed to be humble and accept the task given to me. OH by the way and that scripture is Doctrine and covenants 112:10

because I was unsure that I could fill the time given me for this talk. I asked some of my friends how the scriptures have blessed their lives. These where some of their responses.

My friend in Las Vegas who some how knows Isaiah better than anyone in my generation, she just seems to have a connection to him. When I can't understand a passage in Isaiah I know I can call her. She can almost always explain it. She simply says “the scriptures are my rock”.

from a friend to the East of here,” I have a testimony that reading the Scriptures daily provides me with comfort and strength during some of the most difficult times in my life. At those times when I felt that I had nowhere to turn, I would often look forward to that time each day where I would be able to lose myself in the Scriptures. Doing so would give me the renewed strength to keep moving forward even when I wanted to give up.”

From “The Oakwood ward”.” I don't read as much as I should. When I do, everything goes better. When I don't, I'm on my own, and it's not a pretty thing. It's hard enough to be a mom even when you do have the Spirit with you. When you don't, well, you know how it goes”.

I thought of a couple of scriptures as I read their testimonies. this is the one that seemed to stick. Psalms. 62: 2. He only is my rock and my salvation, These wonderful woman have found this blessing.

finally a friend I lovingly call my big brother, he lives in Alaska. “I work among some of the less than religious people in the construction industry. Some may say this is a curse that makes keeping my testimony difficult. It does not. I look at my coworkers and see the giant void in their lives and work harder to keep it filled in mine. I have a great love for those who have gone before and, for some, even died that I may have the scriptures to enjoy. I am not one that fervently studies the scriptures like I should, but the knowledge of what they are worth is still there. I also have a firm knowledge of the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon. I know that Nephi truly existed and saw the things he saw and did the things he did. In the book of Mormon, an angel shows Nephi all the inhabitants of the world. Now I am sure that any righteous angel would still have a good sense of humor, and building on that I am sure that if a man in this time honked and waved at Nephi, said angel would surely show Nephi this man. I honk and wave about 4-5 times a week just to make sure I make it easy on the angel. This is how sure I am that these stories in the Book of Mormon truly happened”.

I love the honesty in his testimony. He knows the joy and strength that the scriptures bring him, he is a bit of a nut, but he is blessed daily and kept strong with his faith.

Though I haven't FORMALLY studied the scriptures in a LONG time. I have been blessed by them. when I do read the scriptures at times I can see the story unfold around me like a movie, in Alma 24:17 I can feel the commitment of the Lamanites when they chose to bury their swords never to fight again.

Then later in chapter 53. I felt the joyful anguish only a mother can feel, when each of the 2000 stripling warriors took up arms. It must have been hard for each of them to let their child go, to do what was right for the better good. As weird as it sounds it has always been my prayer that someday I will feel that with my boys, and maybe my daughters, as They go off on a mission. In modern times modern revelation has helped me confirm my desire to be home for my children and husband. It is my choice instilled in me as a YW and young wife,I have never had any desire to change that. It is my knowledge of the eternities through the scripture s that has helped me not only to let the spirits who have chosen me to teach them, but also to know that there will be a day that I will be able once again to put my arms around my mother, whom lately I truly miss, and tell her face to face how much I love her along with my aunt and grandfathers and all those who have gone before. It is scriptures that help me teach my children the principles of gospel. Baptism, Eternal Marriage, unconditional Love, service, Missionary Work the list goes on and on..

It is the scriptures and the knowledge of this gospel that have made my testimony as strong as it is. I know that the boy Joseph saw our father in heaven and his son our brother Jesus Christ. I know that it was through the power of Heavenly Father that Joseph smith translated the Book Of Mormon, for Us to learn from. I know that Joseph smith was a man of God that he follow Heavenly fathers direction with steadfast fath. And I KNOW that President Monson has been called of god to be our modern day prophet. To bring us those scriptures that we need to heed in this day. It is my prayer that we will not only be blessed but that we will regonize those blessing in our day to day lives. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ Amen

well there ya have it. Let me know what ya think.

Well I was right

I have 4 black belts.  I am so proud of them.  I can't even begin to describe what this has done for my kids.  I have a dd that if she didn't have TKD may still be hiding in a shell and pulling at her hair in desperation of who know what.  

I have a son that even though there are days when he gets to me.  most of the time for an 11 year old boy he is very respectful and well behaved

I have a dd that I will really not have to worry too much about( sorry it is a mom thing it isn't going to stop the worry) when she goes on dates in 2 years ( OMHeavens ).  She will be able to take care of herself.

Sean well, Sean is Sean always will be but I think he is more extroverted then normal.

Not to mention the fact that I can't even tell you how much I seriously think that this is more healthy than I have ever been.

Oh and Randy and I passed as well.  So Randy is now a red belt and I am a seinior blue belt.

who would have thunk it.

I was watching a movie that I thougth would never have led me to a Christ theme, but it did.  I was watching LOTR where Sam and Frodo are on Mount Mordor.  Frodo is ready to give up and just die and Sam asks if he can remember the Shire, Frodo says No I see nothing but the eye even when waking.  Sam then looks at him and says "Then let us be rid of it for good".  And this is where I start to cry.  Sam puts his arms under Frodo and says " I may not be able to carry this for you but I can carry you."  That got me thinking that this is somewhat what christ has done for us.  When the brurden is just more than we think we can bare he is there lifting us into his arms and carrying us until we can again carry our burdens.

Ok so I might be tired but there you have the LOTR turned churchy.

Oh Thank Goodness.

       I have spent a crazy 2 days in and out of Dr's offices and hospitals.  My Baby, my sweet little Ky ky is sick.  Very sick, they were all but possitive yesterday, and so was I, that my sweet little girl would spend her first night in the hospital.  Even the Techs that took her blood work and chest Xrays said she didn't look good and that they would see me later.  It was seeming more and more like Pnuemonia was the only out look, they even sent us home with the diagnosis of a mild pnuemonia and told me that if it even acted like it got worse to go back to the ER and they would admitt.   I called my husband on the way home, got her perscription and prayed.  We got her a blessing and I prayed some more.  Her fever never broke it just hovered around 101, 102 but her breathing slowed finally and she slept. 

      This morning we went back to the the Dr's and he told us that the offical diagnosis is Broncitis 
with the threat of turning into Pnuemonia, that was why all the urgency yesterday.  her fever is 
coming down it is now around 100 and holding and she has a super snotty nose but she is a wake
and moving around.  

      Thank you so much, my friends, for all your prayers on her be half. she isn't out of the woods yet but the trees are thinning and you can see the sun. I know with all my heart that your prayers helped my sweet little girl, and me, through this.

   On another note.  I missed my mom BAD yesterday.  She would have been here with me through this holding my hand and letting me know it would be OK.  There were even reminders of her there while we were there.   In the form of a group of nursing students and their teacher wald through the lobby to the little cafe' with their white uniforms and sensible shoes.  I knew she was there.  It helped me so much.  I held together so well, I knew that was my mom too.

I my wonderful friend said yesterday the veil was so very thin yesterday just when I needed and she needed that comfort.